A second wave? Really? Didn’t know I was over and done with the first.
I received a follow-up letter from my hospice bereavement counselor, basically a form letter but personalized with my name, seeing how I was doing and letting me know that about this time it’s not unusual to go through a second wave of grief and that her services are available to me. A sound, a picture, a type of food – almost anything that might remind us of our gone loved ones can trigger it.
Whether it’s a “second wave” or a continuation of my initial grieving state, I’ve cried for the past two weeks – in the car, at work, in the grocery store. It doesn’t matter where I am, it just takes over. I’m sure it probably has something to do with the fact that we had mom’s unveiling the day after Thanksgiving when all the family was in. I stressed over the wording and the look of her headstone, consulting with my brother who said whatever I decide is fine and then approved what I sent him. It was lovely and paid mom a loving and respectful tribute – “Beloved Wife, Mother and Nana.” But of course, gazing upon it as the rabbi recited blessings, I realized I should have included “Friend,” out of respect for T. I mentioned this to my family and of course they said it was fine as is. To satisfy my second-guessing, I reasoned with myself that “Friend” is just automatically understood and mom and T were essentially “husband & wife.”
Following the service, we all headed for BBQ for lunch in honor of mom, who developed a love for it since moving to Texas five years ago.
But back to the crying. It continues. I’m tearing up as I type this. I’m in a funk. I’m hardly productive at work and have thought of leaving. I’m tired of what I’m doing and feel I need a change but not another job. I need something more meaningful. So while I’ve always had a soft spot for “seniors,” I’m thinking of maybe doing some volunteer work with them, particularly those suffering with dementia (Note to self – I should have finished my masters in gerontology oh so many years ago).
I realize it’s time for another counseling appointment and I made one with Dr. R. for next week. Some friends say with the wedding now behind me I don’t have anything occupying my time. This could be true. I need projects and that consumed me for nine months. In cleaning out my closet I found a gem – a tablecloth mom started cross-stitching eons ago, maybe when I was in high school or college. I initially found it when we were moving mom to Texas and said I’d finish it. It went into my closet and forgot about it.
I haven’t touched it…until now. I now have a new project, one which will be a labor of love.