I’m wearing one of mom’s favorite tops today. It’s one of my favorites, too, which is why it, like some other items of her clothing found a new home in my closet.
I continue to find keeping a number of her things close to me comforting. Who knows how long I’ll keep using her nail polish on my toes. But I like looking down at my toes and imagining hers. I still have all of her clothes neatly piled up in a spare bedroom where Charlie likes to nest during the day. He likes to stay close to her, too.
Is this unhealthy? I don’t know. All I know is that I find great comfort in it. Just like using the body lotion she used and taking in the scent during the day. It simply smells like mom and I take such comfort in that. Keeping her nearby.
Her absence is approaching four months now. I still can’t believe she’s gone, as I told a good friend and former boss at dinner last night, who listened sympathetically. I know he understands as he is very close with his mom.
Still, I hesitate to burden friends with my feelings about losing mom, even though they insist that’s what they’re there for. That’s why the group counseling was good. We were all in the same place and were able to unload unconditionally.
I still remain in a kind of funk where I really have no enthusiasm for anything. I’ve gotten back on a schedule with my Pilates and Barrre workouts, which helps energize me. With all the wedding preparations, I always have mom in the back of my mind. I need to try to find a way to compartmentalize these feelings or at least turn some of these sad markers into positives.
I remain a work in progress.