Second Guessing

I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself – always second guessing some of the care decisions I made for mom.

For instance, I subscribe to caring.com, which provides helpful articles and tips in the caring of family members in various stages of dementia. One of the articles today focused on what to say to the end-stage dementia patient while sitting vigil. Its recommendation, which I already knew and did, is talking to the loved one and tell them how much they meant to you, what you’ve learned from them, assure them that everyone will be alright, etc.

I did talk to mom. I did tell her repeatedly how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, what a wonderful mother, grandmother, mother -in-law she was. Told her that I know she will be there at D’s wedding in the fall. So why don’t I feel this is enough? Maybe because I never got any real acknowledgment that she was hearing me but studies have shown that a semi-conscious person hears you. Even someone in a coma.

Then I went on to read a story about how to find the highest-rated memory care facilities in your area. Mom’s facility was not there. Other locations of it were but not the one she was in.

Then I reasoned that when I moved mom here she wasn’t anywhere near as bad as she became. When we agreed that assisted living was necessary, I half-looked into these other facilities that focused more on memory care but mom was already comfortable where she was and a number of people she knew had made a similar move from independent living to assisted living. I kept reading change isn’t good for those with dementia.

However, her transition into assisted living was not a good one. Two days after she moved there she fell, while with me, and fractured her pelvis. A two-week hospital stay was  followed by two-months in rehab. Two more short hospitalization followed later for bronchitis, and then her last hospital stay before going into hospice.

I think it’s time for me to make an appointment with Dr. R.

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2 thoughts on “Second Guessing

  1. At the end, my mom seemed to fade in and out. Although awake, she didn’t seem to be with us mentally at times. I told my mom many times how much I loved her before she died, but there are some important things that went unsaid. Things that I left until it was too late to say them, and I was filled with guilt after my mom died. There was so much I wanted to say to her, she did so well for so long, but then it was too late – the cancer had taken over and my mom was no longer my mom. She would not have been able to comprehend the important talks I wanted to have with her. I wish I hadn’t waited so long.

    • Kathy, I understand your regret, but I hope it’s enough, for both of us, to know that our moms knew how very much they were loved. For whatever reason I keep reliving her last couple of days in my head when she was non-responsive and I just want to hold her in my arms.

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