Grieving and Timetables

There is no set timetable for grieving the loss of a loved one. Some are able to compartmentalize better than others and able to “move on” at a quicker pace.

I’m not sure where I fit. Hard to believe yesterday marked two weeks since mom’s funeral. I definitely feel a voided space out there. I look at her picture and it is still hard to wrap my brain around it.

I spoke with Dr. K a couple of days ago to try to get a grasp about what just happened.

Mom was definitely in a free-fall decline for a good two months probably longer. There was definitely something going on cognitively and physically. I read the notes I kept and the notes recorded by her aides/companions. But I didn’t think it would end in death, at least not as fast as it did. The point is, dementing disorders shorten life.

Mom’s blood pressure issues accelerated the problem. And in the midst of all this, she was not eating as well and didn’t have much in reserves. Put it all together, these patients lose their drive to survive, says Dr. K; they have no sense of purpose of reason to be.

This is really hard for me to swallow and to accept but I did see a voided look in mom’s eyes and changes in her body language. And of course I’m now second-guessing – could I have been more proactive in addressing  these new behaviors? Did I become complacent to her condition? And yes, coming back to her fall in September – was that the start of her decline? But I did. I called Dr. K, I spoke to her twice during the week that mom went into the hospital and mom even saw her earlier that week.

Still, I can’t help but think I could’ve done more.


2 thoughts on “Grieving and Timetables

  1. All the best to you in this journey through your grief and loss. I think that guilt is a pretty common element in early grieving, so you are not alone with that. I have only arrived at your blog today, and just read your last few posts.

    • Thank you, Maura, for your kind words. I know grieving is a process and for me it will be a long one as my mom’s primary caregiver – something though I wouldn’t change one bit. I loved every minute of being with her and caring for her. Just wish there were more of them. Bereavement class is in my future.

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