The long good-bye

It’s been a tough weekend.

I really never know what to expect day-to-day but it seems like Friday was the last time mom and I looked into each other’s eyes. She’s been sleeping the past two days but seems like yesterday she gave a faint up and down nod to me when I asked her a question.

D. came up from Houston Friday night and she and I, along with L. sat with mom Saturday. The girls visited for about an hour this morning as L. had to take D. back to the airport. It’s been hard on them. They were very close to their nana.

I hated for them to see her in this state but D. and L. said they basically said their good-byes to her last Saturday when she was alert and awake more and enjoyed seeing the pics of D. in some wedding dresses.

The hospice staff are nothing short of angels. The care and tenderness they continue to give mom and myself is unmatched.

My friends have been my rocks, calling, texting, sitting with me. Unfortunately, most of them have also lost their mothers as I am about to lose mine. My family, too, has been incredibly supportive – cousins emailing, texting and phoning me. My brother speaks to mom daily and we are both so, so grateful that he was here two weeks ago when mom was up and alert albeit in the hospital. I’m glad he has those memories.

J. came by this weekend too. I just hate for my kids to see their nana like this, but she looked very peaceful and comfortable.

I’ve been in touch with T daily. It’s so hard. He loves mom so much and I know it pains him so. I still play the song he recorded for her to listen to. T.’s concerned about me taking care of myself and not getting enough sleep or food. Sleeping has been so-so. I really don’t have much of an appetite and know I’ve lost some weight but that comes with the territory.

I have my highs and lows when I’m sitting with mom, looking at her. I never thought I’d ever see her like this. Even though she can’t respond to me I can still talk to her, tell her how much I love her, caress her hands and face and  put my face next to hers and hug her. That has been a big comfort for me.

I know she is showing signs of getting near the end and it is really just too unbearable to think of.

I love you, mom.

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