Friday, February 3
There’s so much to say but I just haven’t had the energy to pound it out on the keyboard.
I have had the good fortune to work bedside this week by my mom. As I look over, she’s sleeping peacefully and comfortably. While it’s been difficult to see her decline, I will cherish this time.
During the week she’s been at different levels of awareness. For instance, this morning as I bent down to kiss her good morning and tell her I was back and I loved her, she opened her eyes, was able to track me and give me some kind of nod of recognition and a small smile. I fed her about five ice chips and watched her as it slowly dissolved in her mouth and she slowly drifted off to sleep.
She slept most of the day – a combo of her current condition and being on a pain med to make her more comfortable. It’s not that she’s in any pain, but is exhibiting what they call “terminal restlessness,” where she will squirm in her bed and raise and lower her arms. The pamphlet says this is due to lack of oxygen in her blood.
This time I’ve been able to spend with her has given me not only precious remaining time with her but also the ability to process it all and added time to say good-bye. I know the processing has worked because I’m able to contain my crying to a degree. So why am I crying now as I type this?